Yeah. I'm kidding, of course. But only sorta.
Read more after the break...
There we go.
You could say anxiety is a pretty big part of life. At times, it's even my defining personality trait.
Around 4 years ago I've been officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which pretty much means I don't get anxiety by certain things; I get it from anything.
Officially it started when I was on vacation with my former boyfriend and my former friends. I had just started dating him by then, so I wasn't entirely comfortable with him yet. It was the first time I was on holiday without my parents, and I was already having depression issues and just feeling 'weird' in general.
We went to this pretty big festival in Europe, and that's where I had this really, really extreme panic-attack. The first of very many that week. I was pretty much stuck in my hotel room where my boyfriend stayed with me (bless him). At that time, I pretty much rationalized it as being homesick.
Fast forward to being safely home at my parents house again, I finally linked it to earlier panic-attacks I had linked to drug abuse (I actually cold turkey quit after that same experience) that I had a few years earlier.
The panic and anxiety went away for awhile, before hitting me right in the face only a few weeks after, where it has stayed pretty much since then.
In the past years I've done a lot of things, and not a lot at the same time.
I didn't work, I didn't go to school, and I barely went out the dwindling amount of friends I had. However, I did follow a variety of therapies. Weekly talks, and even going to a full day group therapy three days a week. Some EMDR therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy.. I tried it all.
Before this turns into a massive whine-fest about my terrible past, I'll try to explain how anxiety actually is, for me. (Oh sure Lisa, that's much better.)
Hey, at least it's informative?
Without going into much detail about panic-attacks (I think it's pretty well known how that feels) I'll go into how full time tenseness and anxiety feels.
When I wake up, I'm utterly, completely relaxed. I can snooze a bit in bed, slowly feeling my senses come to me. And slowly, tenseness creeps in my muscles, my breaths become shorter, my thoughts start racing, starting a cycle of non-stop worrying.
I'll look around me, my familiar surroundings start to feel detached. My hearts starts beating faster and faster as I try to swallow the lump in my throat and take a few deep breaths.
If you start your day like that, you know the rest is just going to be lovely.
There's not need for my anxiety, none at all. No need for my heart to start racing, my vision swimming every time I have to talk to another human being. No reason for my hands to shake and my legs trembling every time I step into a store. But they do. And thinking about how much I want it to stop just makes it worse.
Because that's the thing. The only, and seriously ONLY way to cure anxiety is to not care. Just go on with your day, going through the motions and doing everything you would do if you didn't have anxiety. It's about the hardest thing I can imagine though, but I'm trying, each day.
I'm not sure exactly how I developed this extreme anxiety. It's probably a variety of reasons which I won't list here. They're too many, and way, way too personal. But the only way to to try and lead my life as normally as possible. But I'll get there.
I might expand on this topic a bit more on a later date, as I do realize that this article is pretty all over the place. If you do have questions about anxiety or coping with it, don't hesitate to ask me about them.
Love,
Lisa
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